new vlog coming soon

Hello!
Happy glorious Saturday to you. My day started off like a regular Saturday… i got up and made breakfast, then watched the World According to Jeff Goldblum. However, i also finally managed to film a short vlog! I’m so glad i finally would a little time and some energy to start it up again. With any luck i’ll be posting a new vlog this week!

Stay tuned!

things i want to do in 2020

I’m pretty late to the 2020 game. February is fast approaching with her fake hearts and candy love; yet only now am I making a post about things I’d like to do in the year of someone’s lord 2020.

– Well, first off, and I suppose it’s always at the top of my list, I’d like to get back to Texas. There are many reasons. I think mostly I want to go back because I hope it makes me feel closer to Basil somehow. Like a homecoming. That sounds a little far-fetched but that’s as good a reason as any. Also because we love Texas and know how it works. It was the first place I’d ever truly felt at home aside from Denmark when I was young and dumb. I don’t regret moving, but I’ll be ecstatic to go back again. I’m gonna eat so much damn Whataburger, the best burger place around! Not that I don’t love Wyoming because I do, but there are some issues that unfortunately can’t be fixed.

– This one I suppose is relatively obvious. I’d like to succeed on the Horseshoeing course down in Cheyenne. I think it’ll be a hard go.. packed into two weeks but I think it’s going to be some sort of game changer for me. If all goes well I’ll be applying for a longer, more in depth, course in Texas. So I’d like to start making a little piggy bank for that as soon as I’m able.

– Not to sound superficial but there are a few technology things I’d like to purchase for photography obviously, filming and so forth. I won’t bother to list them because that’s a whole other post I reckon. There’s at least 3 new lenses I’d like but as of yet I am not made of money; only bacon, Dr.Pepper and granny smith apples.

– Every year I try to read around 100 books. The last year or so I utterly failed. I’ve let a lot of things go and unfortunately reading was one of them. However, this year I’m setting a goal to read 15 books at least but hopefully I’ll get to at least 30. I’m a firm believer that you have to read in order to write, and of course I’m not the first. Lately I’d run totally dry at the well. I couldn’t write a single word, let alone stitch them together and make a picture. The very day I began reading a book – my brain went into over drive and now I can’t keep from writing what so ever. I woke up around 5am this morning and wrote down a story of notes I’d dreamt up. It sucks to wake up but damn I had a great idea!

– I’d love to publish my Novel. I’ve been working incredibly hard on it for so long and I’m ready to let it go out into the world, taking me by the hand. I’d also like to sort out my poetry and little short stories for another publishing project. That one I think is a littler simpler and can be achieved now if I tried enough. Nevertheless – it’s the novel that is my concern and my every waking thought. So that one has to come first.

– A passion of mine, though I have so little time for it, is filming. I prefer filming to taking pictures. I feel the only pictures I’m good at are self-portraits and no one wants to admit that, let’s be honest. I’m not a narcissist – I definitely don’t do it out of love for myself, because I definitely lack that. I just have this troubled relationship with myself that I find my own portraits interesting even if I don’t like them. If that makes any sense at all, but we are all our own worst critics are we not? I’d love to ultimately have my own little company and create mini-westerns on our land… That we’ll have one day. Youtube goes hand in hand with that. I’d like to use the platform more, but I’m just always lacking the time. I haven’t even really started to look at my footage from Denmark, because it’s already over whelming. Working full time is a damn nuisance when it isn’t a job you bleed for. I’d love to do a short continuous vlog but I don’t really feel I have enough to discuss or, again, the time. I don’t really know what people would find interesting about my life, I don’t see as that interesting myself.

– I’d like to get an exercise bike. I don’t plan on being some stick with a crooked neck, I’m a curvy kid with hips from here to somewhere in China. No. I want an exercise bike to have at home because the more I exercise the happier I become. My depression is not well kept secret, no point — it’s as much a part of me as a single word, but I can handle the son of a bitch a lot better when I’m working out once a day. I’ve gone for runs here in Wyoming on the not so cold days but my lungs have been plaguing me something awful, so that’s not much of an option. I will not pay $399 for a membership at the university because fuck that noise. I’d consider going to the local gym… If I didn’t know for a fact that everyone at work goes there. Where is the fun in that then? I may as well go to work and run around the building like a crazy person. I LOVE working out, but I want to do it as a stranger and preferably alone (Jack doesn’t count). I also naturally eat better when I work out because I don’t want to undo my hard work. Does that make any sense?

– Simple. I’d like to see my mum. No pussy footing around that one. I miss her terribly and I love her company. It plagued me something awful how much I wished I could hug her more when I was home, but cruelties in life have led to me being very uncomfortable being touched or showing affection to people. Jack, again, is an exception. I remember just trying to WILL myself to go and hug my mum because I’d regret if I didn’t. I do regret it now but I’m a damn mountain when I want to be.

– And finally, the sore subject. I’d like to get a dog. Saying it out loud is hard and thinking it makes me feel like some evil witch with a hook for a nose. A life without animals is a sad one. I will never be able to replace Basil, and I’d never try. It cannot be done. But I also can’t sit and wait to die just to be around him again. A new dog won’t blur him from my mind, because he is forever my baby. However, another animal I think would be great for us, and there are SO many dogs desperate for homes in Texas alone…I’d like another beagle, but I can’t do that. It’d feel too much like a betrayal. I will be setting out for a hound of some kind though however, like a Basset Hound. I’d love a Basset. I feel bad how short their legs are, and that concerns me, however if there’s one in a shelter – I want it.

And there you go.
What are some of your wishes for 2020? ♡

Tomboy in a skirt
Madame Lady-Like

bad lungs

Hey everyone.
I officially received my accepted letters through email today, which was nice! I was starting to grow a little concerned they were going to forget. Looking through the attachments i grew a little anxious due to unforeseen payments i’ll have to make, that weren’t listed on their website, but living in America i’ve learned to always expect to have to attend to hidden payments for absolutely everything — doesn’t mean it doesn’t bum me the hell out every time, know what i mean? Im not saying its only America — it could just as well happen in Denmark too.
Either way — i can’t wait to get started, as i’ve been saying for a long time now.

I’ve been lucky enough to have been off from work since Thursday. I took my free day on Friday — it was a Christmas gift from work that we could take one day off in the year without it counting towards our severely meagre vacation or sick time. On top of that today was Martin Luther King day and so was also a day off from work; so i got a good four days off and it was almost perfect, definitely needed. Unfortunately today i’ve spent in utter pain. Unable to move without shooting pains in my lungs and chest. Im stubborn as a mule, and likely equally stupid when it comes to advice — i refused a trip to the emergency room and a visit to the doctor, because i know they’ll want to run any test they can even if its unnecessary. If i were in Denmark or in Texas — i’d have gone, but i will NOT pay for medical help unless i’m at deaths door if I’m in neither place. However, i’ll ask Jack to go if he’s not feeling well. Haha. I’m dreading a very tough day tomorrow if i don’t feel any better. I have time for one sick day but i don’t want to use it unless it’s an emergency or something. This is exactly why i hate this kind of lifestyle — i don’t like having to be accountable to someone else and have someone else decide what i can and can’t do. It doesn’t bode well for my soul. How do i get through it? I remind myself that its temporary.
Bring on 2020 when i start a new path!

Needless to say, today i’ve been immobile and useless. I genuinely struggle to sit and do nothing, i cannot do it! As we all do when we know we have days off coming up, i had plans and things i’d like to get done. I wanted to start working on my Denmark video, write some and read some. I wanted to pack and so many other things. I got a lot of cleaning done, worked out and edited a few photos, we even ventured out into the baltic night last night to film time-lapses videos, but I’m never satisfied, do you know what i mean? I want everything on my list completed to feel like i accomplished something. We both managed to catch up on some rest from our trip though, finally — and really thats what we really needed.

girl in cowboy hat

fifty shades of bland

Fifty shades of bland; thats what my childhood home in Sand Bay, UK has been turned into.  Not many of us spend the rest of our adult lives in our childhood homes, but when we sold ours a few years ago i desperately hoped she wouldn’t be turned into some modern monstrosity. The trees my mother grew in the front garden, with her many potted flowers that bloomed in the summer — were all torn from their beds. Outside the house was painted white with black borders. It looks like they’d made some poor attempt to make it look like a Danish summer house, but the difference is that Danish homes tend to be warm and cozy — even if they are white.

The inside of the house now looks like a sad sterile hospital wing form a grotesque horror movie with too many slasher shots. It hurt my heart, i could barely recognise which room is which. The people who bought the house from us bought it to flip it, and she lost the beautiful cottage feel. I guess it also hurts because it will never be how i remember it. Her walls pulled down and her garden up rooted to look like some construction plant.

Damn, it sucks so bad. It hurt me more than i’d have anticipated, all i can say is that i bet the ghosts in that house are livid.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Do your family still live in your childhood home?

Home
My pictures of my house are lost somewhere on my hard drive, so i stole this from my papKent. This is how i’ll choose to remember her. Warm, happy and full of life and character.

i got accepted!

I got accepted!

Hang on. Let me go back. I wrote this blogpost on Monday and a lot has happened since then. Let’s rewind so you know what i’m talking about.

“Monday came around too damn fast like she always does. I’m currently watching “I hus til halsen” and drinking iced tea at work. I’ve finished my writing exercise for today and just need to psych myself up to begin working on my novel. There’s not much for me to do at work right now – emails are answered, projects completed on Friday and so until I hear anything else – this time becomes me time. I’m looking forward to lunch too. I’m trying to get back into my fasting meaning I eat from 12.00pm till around 7/8.00pm.  Sometimes I miss the deadline in the evening because I get home late from work and have to shower, then make dinner. But I stick to it as best I can. The only time I let loose is on the weekends. This weekend I went for a run in the snow and it just put my heart back in its place, after having been broken from leaving home.

I’m still eagerly refreshing my emails to see if the horseshoeing school has returned with a verdict for me. I mentioned signing up in my previous blogpost that you can read here. They said it’d take a couple of weeks for them to review my application, but I’m checking consistently since I applied – which was 4 days ago.  I’m just too damn excited! In the mean time I’ve been researching my butt off, reading everything I can about the experience and what it entitles. I found a great link to an article detailing what I can expect, you can read it here, and now I’m pumped. I really hope they accept me, because I think I’d be damn good at this as a profession. At the moment I have been between books and unable to decide what I’m in the mood for but I’m figuring that I’ll pick up my hoof care and farrier books, perhaps try to get a head start if possible with the general knowledge part of the course. I don’t want to walk in without an idea.

I would really have like to have taken the 8 weeks course but I don’t currently have to funds for that. Besides, I don’t want to pay an insane amount for such a long course to find out it’s not for me, worst case scenario of course. I also don’t know that I’ll even be in Wyoming all that long because my paper heart already flew off to Texas without me, sodding thing.
So the two week course is perfect for me right now. Later on I plan to attend a Farrier school in Texas when I’m all settled and that’ll be the long one. And I suppose that’s my current career plan – that and writing of course. Writing is constantly on my mind. If I had the ability to take a month off I believe my book would be finished, and I can then focus of my book of poetry and moral ramblings.

Girl in the woods
Lingering on future plans in the dark nordic woods at home.

Hopefully we’ll buy our own land and I can have an old blacksmith shop by the barn in some picturesque rugged country on the Lone Star panhandle. I want to wake up before sunset every day and smoke a pipe before I start work.  And I’m closer to my dream now than I’ve ever been. It all depends on whether I get in.  I wouldn’t be able to survive on an artist’s wage until some publisher discovered my books and paid me the price. I don’t want to be rich — I want to be happy, but I’ve received such wonderful and  supportive feed back on my writing lately that im in awe of you all. Thank you.

So I plan to work as a farrier to help fill my coffers. With any the land we acquire, that wonderful day ahead of us, will be large enough for filming westerns and shorts. Jack and I already have a few ideas in our notebooks we’d like to try. We have a few creative friends in Texas we plan on getting involved. My bridesmaid for one – I will make can actor out of him if I kills me. He’s like the Woodrow Call to Jacks Gus McCrea. And if this point is reached my horses will be rescues that need a place to sleep, retire and somewhere the sun can warm their backs all year long. Sweet Texas. I’ll use them for film work to, but the choice will ultimately be theirs.
Do you hear that? That empty sound is the noise of my empty pockets before I even began to dream. Haha. I’ve never let money stop me. Money is nothing, it helps but it won’t stop me getting there or wherever. Right now we’re working for our dreams and it’s exciting really, hard but exciting. Now I don’t know how well this plan will work out, or if it’ll ever come to fruition at all; but it’s a plan I’m loving the sound of. And for as long as my current job lasts I’ll do what I have to and write as much as I can and save every penny.

I’d also like to eventually donate farrier services to charity horse sanctuaries that I care about when I feel I have the skill. There’s a particular one I cherish and hope to visit in Santa Fe New Mexico one day (and another in Argyle, TX). We could take two weeks, drive over there, trim their hooves and volunteer.  I’d like to build up a happy and trusting relationship with clients that won’t drive me crazy, and live happily in my blacksmithing, acting and writing. Why it’s such a crazy-ass dream that I fill up with joy just writing about it. I think we can make it happen.”

Back to today. I’ve truly struggled with the novel the last few days and yesterday was a little miserable for me. However, today i received a phone call — that i ignored; i never pick up the phone. And there was no voice mail message left. Madam forgot that she had turned off her mobile data — i turned it on and there in my inbox that was bursting at its seams was a 19 voice mail from Cheyenne Wyoming.
“Could it be? They’ve said no. I bet thats it. After the week i’ve already had this will top it off.”
“Bella! We want to talk to you about to application to the Wyoming School of Horse shoeing — please call back.”

Close up of a donkey
This handsome Nebraska burro.

I rushed to the union student center for my lunch and eagerly called. The lady was so lovely and excited, i’ve been accepted. $1900 for the two weeks and an addition $1400 for tools. The tools caught me unawares but i’m willing to pay it to make sure i have exactly what i need.
But it made my day, my week and i am so excited to live on their ranch for two weeks with the bison, horse shoeing activities and the all the other experiences. I really wasn’t sure i’d be accepted! She even said, as i live quite close, that i could come and take a look around the place before i pay for the course to be sure. I’m hoping to converse with her again asap to arrange a time to go there and meet her.

Anyway. I got accepted!!! Im so ecstatic. The happiness i feel about this farrier school business that it makes up for losing out on the class i desperately wanted to do at UW. Im so grateful for Jack helping me and being there every step of the way. I really couldn’t live the life that i do without him. Hug your others tonight, the deserve it.

Thanks for reading this long blog post.
I hope you’re all doing well.