bad lungs

Hey everyone.
I officially received my accepted letters through email today, which was nice! I was starting to grow a little concerned they were going to forget. Looking through the attachments i grew a little anxious due to unforeseen payments i’ll have to make, that weren’t listed on their website, but living in America i’ve learned to always expect to have to attend to hidden payments for absolutely everything — doesn’t mean it doesn’t bum me the hell out every time, know what i mean? Im not saying its only America — it could just as well happen in Denmark too.
Either way — i can’t wait to get started, as i’ve been saying for a long time now.

I’ve been lucky enough to have been off from work since Thursday. I took my free day on Friday — it was a Christmas gift from work that we could take one day off in the year without it counting towards our severely meagre vacation or sick time. On top of that today was Martin Luther King day and so was also a day off from work; so i got a good four days off and it was almost perfect, definitely needed. Unfortunately today i’ve spent in utter pain. Unable to move without shooting pains in my lungs and chest. Im stubborn as a mule, and likely equally stupid when it comes to advice — i refused a trip to the emergency room and a visit to the doctor, because i know they’ll want to run any test they can even if its unnecessary. If i were in Denmark or in Texas — i’d have gone, but i will NOT pay for medical help unless i’m at deaths door if I’m in neither place. However, i’ll ask Jack to go if he’s not feeling well. Haha. I’m dreading a very tough day tomorrow if i don’t feel any better. I have time for one sick day but i don’t want to use it unless it’s an emergency or something. This is exactly why i hate this kind of lifestyle — i don’t like having to be accountable to someone else and have someone else decide what i can and can’t do. It doesn’t bode well for my soul. How do i get through it? I remind myself that its temporary.
Bring on 2020 when i start a new path!

Needless to say, today i’ve been immobile and useless. I genuinely struggle to sit and do nothing, i cannot do it! As we all do when we know we have days off coming up, i had plans and things i’d like to get done. I wanted to start working on my Denmark video, write some and read some. I wanted to pack and so many other things. I got a lot of cleaning done, worked out and edited a few photos, we even ventured out into the baltic night last night to film time-lapses videos, but I’m never satisfied, do you know what i mean? I want everything on my list completed to feel like i accomplished something. We both managed to catch up on some rest from our trip though, finally — and really thats what we really needed.

girl in cowboy hat

fifty shades of bland

Fifty shades of bland; thats what my childhood home in Sand Bay, UK has been turned into.  Not many of us spend the rest of our adult lives in our childhood homes, but when we sold ours a few years ago i desperately hoped she wouldn’t be turned into some modern monstrosity. The trees my mother grew in the front garden, with her many potted flowers that bloomed in the summer — were all torn from their beds. Outside the house was painted white with black borders. It looks like they’d made some poor attempt to make it look like a Danish summer house, but the difference is that Danish homes tend to be warm and cozy — even if they are white.

The inside of the house now looks like a sad sterile hospital wing form a grotesque horror movie with too many slasher shots. It hurt my heart, i could barely recognise which room is which. The people who bought the house from us bought it to flip it, and she lost the beautiful cottage feel. I guess it also hurts because it will never be how i remember it. Her walls pulled down and her garden up rooted to look like some construction plant.

Damn, it sucks so bad. It hurt me more than i’d have anticipated, all i can say is that i bet the ghosts in that house are livid.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Do your family still live in your childhood home?

Home
My pictures of my house are lost somewhere on my hard drive, so i stole this from my papKent. This is how i’ll choose to remember her. Warm, happy and full of life and character.

hygge dag

I haven’t done much. We visited a few places and took a few days for ourselves in Fyn. We have been driving back and forth to Kolding to visit my family which has been really nice, but its exhausting after a full day.

Girl in back seat

Mormor always has tasty Danish food that i’ve missed, while Morfar tells stories about liars and thieves.

Driving in a car

Farmor baked 5 separate types of christmas cookies for us and always has a funny story to tell about her day to day activities.

Book

Jack and Franck had some Julebryg. I pretty much stuffed my damn face with chocolates and cola and ryebread sandwiches, and as much bacon as possible when its provided. And i always leave mormor and morfars house with some kind of book.

Danish julebryg

It is nice to be home when its relaxed and quiet, i dont like the holiday season much because of the partying. I prefer everyone to just be in regular spirits.

Table full of treats

I dont think im going to get the chance to do my vlog like i wanted. Ive been busy and/or tired so i’ll have to do it when i get home if i ever have a day off. But i’ve still been filming as much as i can regardless. I hope my footage and pictures turn out well!

Photo of girl on camera

Oh!

And Happy New year!

torsdag

Its a quiet Thursday evening with the space heater on full. Waiting on the weekend like most folk do. This evening i had a fight with a pot of rice that wouldn’t boil at any heat due to our altitude, blasted piece of horse shit. Our oil lamps are lighted and warming our night though however, so all is not lost. At the moment i’m trying to knit all my current projects before Christmas and sadly i’m not a very fast knitter, at this point im flogginga dead horse but i refuse let it beat me.  The project i want to work on is put on hold for the one i should be working on. Lately I’ve started playing bass and piano again which is clearing out all the gunk thats been hiding in the corners of my mind. People have told me often to pick one thing and focus on that, but i don’t understand how i’m supposed to do such a thing. Having tried a few times i’ve found that more impossible than simply juggling all my interests on my shoulders. Today at work i had another great day of writing, a full 7 hours i believe i managed to write. Slowly but surely the story is completing itself, a myth i had heard tell of but until lately never experienced. At this point it doesn’t feel like the story needs me for much longer and that i am simply a pawn while it takes over.

Have a good night.


a little post and an update

The first day of work has long since passed.
And no – it wasn’t as bad as I thought thankfully. Bad experiences, however, can’t help but cause one alarm once in a while and everyone is always bricking it on the first day.

Yesterday we had our first snow and the first flash of bitter cold that won’t compare to the true cold winter has to offer us for however long we stay in Wyoming. I think I could stay but I’d always be wondering what the sea was doing without me and if I was missing out, someplace else.  I can tell that Jack is ready to be home in Texas where the sun is always hot and everything is familiar, I don’t blame him. He’s a hot blooded creature and likes hot blooded places – though I find him quite at home in Denmark too. The man flourishes on burning plains not frozen ones. Having said that he’s a good egg and there’s nothing he can’t tackle . We both enjoy it here immensely, truly,  but there comes a time when the body starts yearning to be where your grave will be planted.
Without a doubt I can definitely relate to that dreadful pining for home though. That has hit me pretty hard lately, it has its moments and its ups and downs. It comes often and then hardly at all.  Such is life sadly. And it goes on — the harshest words in history. Life goes on. Oh what a terrible thing though you’re glad it does in some way.

The best way to describe how I am feeling  – I am tired of being foreign. It’s a fucking hard job to keep up. It’s work. Even going home to Denmark I’m foreign and that is a great pain to me. A heavy weight on my shoulders that already have mountains piled high.

This week I started drivers ed, which is as dull and time consuming as it sounds but it only feels as such due to the copious amounts of free time I now don’t have. I had to cancel all my hours at the antique shop which I really enjoyed, for the whole month because there’s not enough time in the day. Feeling much like a confined animal whose being poked at from all different angles, that’s me lately and I’m ever so tired. This is the realistic life of a traveler. It’s not all hot suns, sandaled feet and perfect pictures for posting. Its bloody noses, falling on ice and the most magical experiences that you don’t always have to share with someone else.

Starting over. New jobs. New places and faces and situations that might not be what you expected. October is already a very stressful month for me. I can’t relax because I want the driving over with because its 45 minutes to the class room, it interferes with my job and my evenings but that’s adulting. 14 hour days and very few hours of sleep. Quite so. And when it’s over I’ll find another blasted thing to bother me because such is the life of me. The class itself is fine – all three hours of it. I can drive alright but it’s the other cars I have an issue with, so.. take that for what it is.

I believe in making the most of everyday though. At work there can be a lot of time where there’s nothing to do, and instead of sitting there reading the comedy of errors that is the news or wasting away of on Facebook – I find free books to read and i always do writing exercises. Every day. For those of you who don’t know… reading is 50% writing and I do it to keep up my creativeness as much as possible and keep my soul from running the fuck away. I stumbled across some wonderful sailing novels that I thoroughly enjoyed and there also happened to be two novels by Jens Peter Jacobsen, a Danish man with a talent for modernism and brimful descriptions. It was well translated, that has to be said, but Danish books (and any foreign book in general) should always be read in their mother tongue. So much is lost in translation and words are changed entirely if there IS no translation.
Having said that, if you’re reading you’re already winning.

And finally…
Christmas is coming and we’ll be spending it in Denmark with all the family. I haven’t been able to spend Christmas at home for many many years now and Denmark is the best place on earth at Christmas time. Believe me.
This Christmas, though a few are missing from the table this year and from beneath it, will be special and annoying and full of laughter and a ridiculous amount of food for a single belly to muster. Really I have had a lot of great things taken care of within only 6 weeks and everything is well, however because I’m on the loopy side of depressive all I can focus on is getting the damn driving over with, so I can have my creative hours back in my every day. I’m sure some of you can relate. If you’re creative and you’re kept from your output – you’re a god damn disaster. A bomb walking around meanly ticking at good people.

Enjoy your Friday night and find the good in your day, 24 hours at a time.