brace yourself

Im trying to brace myself. Everyone is out of the office till the rest of the week and im absolutely taking advantage of that. Ive finished my writing exercise for the day and been looking for the 100th time for a single agent i feel positive about. Just to be a wee bit ahead 0f whatever game it is that im playing. I found three that i think i might be fantastic. Whether they’ll think the same of me is the hard part. We shall see.

Now. Ive had an obligatory office donut, i chose the one with almonds, and so for the rest of the day i will be doing this and that. Until around 2.30 when i steal away to the student center and kiss with Jack Kerouac for an hour. I would rather be home watching Secret Window of course. A weird movie to inspire someone but its my favourite film and i think of it often to get myself into the spirit of writing.

Lately ive had a few issues with HR at work which is why im so overly stressed and thinly strung, but none of that now.

things i want to do in 2020

I’m pretty late to the 2020 game. February is fast approaching with her fake hearts and candy love; yet only now am I making a post about things I’d like to do in the year of someone’s lord 2020.

– Well, first off, and I suppose it’s always at the top of my list, I’d like to get back to Texas. There are many reasons. I think mostly I want to go back because I hope it makes me feel closer to Basil somehow. Like a homecoming. That sounds a little far-fetched but that’s as good a reason as any. Also because we love Texas and know how it works. It was the first place I’d ever truly felt at home aside from Denmark when I was young and dumb. I don’t regret moving, but I’ll be ecstatic to go back again. I’m gonna eat so much damn Whataburger, the best burger place around! Not that I don’t love Wyoming because I do, but there are some issues that unfortunately can’t be fixed.

– This one I suppose is relatively obvious. I’d like to succeed on the Horseshoeing course down in Cheyenne. I think it’ll be a hard go.. packed into two weeks but I think it’s going to be some sort of game changer for me. If all goes well I’ll be applying for a longer, more in depth, course in Texas. So I’d like to start making a little piggy bank for that as soon as I’m able.

– Not to sound superficial but there are a few technology things I’d like to purchase for photography obviously, filming and so forth. I won’t bother to list them because that’s a whole other post I reckon. There’s at least 3 new lenses I’d like but as of yet I am not made of money; only bacon, Dr.Pepper and granny smith apples.

– Every year I try to read around 100 books. The last year or so I utterly failed. I’ve let a lot of things go and unfortunately reading was one of them. However, this year I’m setting a goal to read 15 books at least but hopefully I’ll get to at least 30. I’m a firm believer that you have to read in order to write, and of course I’m not the first. Lately I’d run totally dry at the well. I couldn’t write a single word, let alone stitch them together and make a picture. The very day I began reading a book – my brain went into over drive and now I can’t keep from writing what so ever. I woke up around 5am this morning and wrote down a story of notes I’d dreamt up. It sucks to wake up but damn I had a great idea!

– I’d love to publish my Novel. I’ve been working incredibly hard on it for so long and I’m ready to let it go out into the world, taking me by the hand. I’d also like to sort out my poetry and little short stories for another publishing project. That one I think is a littler simpler and can be achieved now if I tried enough. Nevertheless – it’s the novel that is my concern and my every waking thought. So that one has to come first.

– A passion of mine, though I have so little time for it, is filming. I prefer filming to taking pictures. I feel the only pictures I’m good at are self-portraits and no one wants to admit that, let’s be honest. I’m not a narcissist – I definitely don’t do it out of love for myself, because I definitely lack that. I just have this troubled relationship with myself that I find my own portraits interesting even if I don’t like them. If that makes any sense at all, but we are all our own worst critics are we not? I’d love to ultimately have my own little company and create mini-westerns on our land… That we’ll have one day. Youtube goes hand in hand with that. I’d like to use the platform more, but I’m just always lacking the time. I haven’t even really started to look at my footage from Denmark, because it’s already over whelming. Working full time is a damn nuisance when it isn’t a job you bleed for. I’d love to do a short continuous vlog but I don’t really feel I have enough to discuss or, again, the time. I don’t really know what people would find interesting about my life, I don’t see as that interesting myself.

– I’d like to get an exercise bike. I don’t plan on being some stick with a crooked neck, I’m a curvy kid with hips from here to somewhere in China. No. I want an exercise bike to have at home because the more I exercise the happier I become. My depression is not well kept secret, no point — it’s as much a part of me as a single word, but I can handle the son of a bitch a lot better when I’m working out once a day. I’ve gone for runs here in Wyoming on the not so cold days but my lungs have been plaguing me something awful, so that’s not much of an option. I will not pay $399 for a membership at the university because fuck that noise. I’d consider going to the local gym… If I didn’t know for a fact that everyone at work goes there. Where is the fun in that then? I may as well go to work and run around the building like a crazy person. I LOVE working out, but I want to do it as a stranger and preferably alone (Jack doesn’t count). I also naturally eat better when I work out because I don’t want to undo my hard work. Does that make any sense?

– Simple. I’d like to see my mum. No pussy footing around that one. I miss her terribly and I love her company. It plagued me something awful how much I wished I could hug her more when I was home, but cruelties in life have led to me being very uncomfortable being touched or showing affection to people. Jack, again, is an exception. I remember just trying to WILL myself to go and hug my mum because I’d regret if I didn’t. I do regret it now but I’m a damn mountain when I want to be.

– And finally, the sore subject. I’d like to get a dog. Saying it out loud is hard and thinking it makes me feel like some evil witch with a hook for a nose. A life without animals is a sad one. I will never be able to replace Basil, and I’d never try. It cannot be done. But I also can’t sit and wait to die just to be around him again. A new dog won’t blur him from my mind, because he is forever my baby. However, another animal I think would be great for us, and there are SO many dogs desperate for homes in Texas alone…I’d like another beagle, but I can’t do that. It’d feel too much like a betrayal. I will be setting out for a hound of some kind though however, like a Basset Hound. I’d love a Basset. I feel bad how short their legs are, and that concerns me, however if there’s one in a shelter – I want it.

And there you go.
What are some of your wishes for 2020? ♡

Tomboy in a skirt
Madame Lady-Like

bad lungs

Hey everyone.
I officially received my accepted letters through email today, which was nice! I was starting to grow a little concerned they were going to forget. Looking through the attachments i grew a little anxious due to unforeseen payments i’ll have to make, that weren’t listed on their website, but living in America i’ve learned to always expect to have to attend to hidden payments for absolutely everything — doesn’t mean it doesn’t bum me the hell out every time, know what i mean? Im not saying its only America — it could just as well happen in Denmark too.
Either way — i can’t wait to get started, as i’ve been saying for a long time now.

I’ve been lucky enough to have been off from work since Thursday. I took my free day on Friday — it was a Christmas gift from work that we could take one day off in the year without it counting towards our severely meagre vacation or sick time. On top of that today was Martin Luther King day and so was also a day off from work; so i got a good four days off and it was almost perfect, definitely needed. Unfortunately today i’ve spent in utter pain. Unable to move without shooting pains in my lungs and chest. Im stubborn as a mule, and likely equally stupid when it comes to advice — i refused a trip to the emergency room and a visit to the doctor, because i know they’ll want to run any test they can even if its unnecessary. If i were in Denmark or in Texas — i’d have gone, but i will NOT pay for medical help unless i’m at deaths door if I’m in neither place. However, i’ll ask Jack to go if he’s not feeling well. Haha. I’m dreading a very tough day tomorrow if i don’t feel any better. I have time for one sick day but i don’t want to use it unless it’s an emergency or something. This is exactly why i hate this kind of lifestyle — i don’t like having to be accountable to someone else and have someone else decide what i can and can’t do. It doesn’t bode well for my soul. How do i get through it? I remind myself that its temporary.
Bring on 2020 when i start a new path!

Needless to say, today i’ve been immobile and useless. I genuinely struggle to sit and do nothing, i cannot do it! As we all do when we know we have days off coming up, i had plans and things i’d like to get done. I wanted to start working on my Denmark video, write some and read some. I wanted to pack and so many other things. I got a lot of cleaning done, worked out and edited a few photos, we even ventured out into the baltic night last night to film time-lapses videos, but I’m never satisfied, do you know what i mean? I want everything on my list completed to feel like i accomplished something. We both managed to catch up on some rest from our trip though, finally — and really thats what we really needed.

girl in cowboy hat

a new year

I missed a’couple days on the blog. We spent a lot of time with my brother and everyday ended with all of us on the sofa watching crime programs, insisting we could’ve solved the murders in half the time and judging the suspects. Eating christmas sweets and delicious meals.
When the end of my time in Denmark rolls around i start to slow down, unsure i want to go home and whether the long travels back and forth are worth the heartache when i have to say goodbye. Its the time i feel the most uncertainty about living in America. But i fear that Denmark in the long wrong would plain bore me to death, but on the other hand — seeing family whenever i felt like it .. that’d be something i’ve never had before. Being in a place where nothing happens and nothing is trying to kill me… And eating the only food that i love. Excluding Whataburger and Mexican food… because both are life.

living room with christmas tree
lovely living room
cup of tea
danish tea in the morning, thats how a morning should begin

In the last few days we visited my sisters house and took a walk in the woods together. After plodding around the back woods we went back to her place and watched a horror film before going home to New Years Eve dinner at my parents house. I don’t really enjoy going much around the holiday season. I’d rather chill, have good food and then end the night with a movie. Im a slow going soul.

full selfie
movie time

I missed half the film we were watching because outside the window was a heavy pink beam slipping through the window panes. I looked at Jack and he smiled.
“I know. Go on.” He said as i grabbed my bag and ran into the late afternoon.
It was such a beautiful sundown, she slid behind the trees and kissed the little lake at the bottom of my sisters garden through gnarled branches. So ofcourse, i missed the climax of the film as well as the end. I took pictures and filmed with whatever battery life i had left — which wasn’t much. When i was done i just sat for a while. Just Denmark and Me. Nothing had to be said or cried about. No worries at all in my pocket. I just wanted to be alone with the sun rolling away.

selfie
that wind swept look

New years day was a really lovely day. Relaxed and quiet.  My brother bought a huge box of fireworks and for the first time i fired some as well. Fireworks kinda freak me out with the loud noises and disturbing the peace, but i really enjoyed having my brother encourage me and stand with me as i lit the fuse. Little moments slowly restore a lost faith in humanity. Jack ran around in boots and a cowboy hat Yeehawing as he lit rocket after rocket, he wore clothes too… just FYI.

new year eve table
family dinner on new years eve

I wont lie and say that i’m happy to be home. I’m not. I’m happy to be around my own things, and excited to get classes started and over with. Obviously im desperately dreading going back to work everyday, as everyone does, but partly for me its because i know if i worked a little harder and focused a little more; i could be making some money selling books on whores and poetry.
However, ultimately, i miss Denmark like hell. I always do but this time was the hardest it’s ever been to get up and leave, to say goodbye. I watched our journey in flight and as the plane icon ebbed away from Billund i felt like my heart was going to hollow in my foot forever. Waving goodbye to my parents at the airport was awful. I smiled and waved but behind the scenes, when we were all out of sight, was Jack picking me up and wiping a flood of tears away. Because leaving my mother — is the worst.

Today we’ve been catching up on post and getting shopping because all we had in the fridge was a lonely beer. On the way to walmart the familiar country tunes sang at their lungs with new meaning. So this song, that to me today now has a face, i dedicate to my Mor.

I wish you a grand new year, and i hope you make good like changes instead of bad resolutions you can’t keep.

exciting news

Good evening lovely readers!
Today is a special day and I have exciting news to share with you!!
I have officially signed up for my class at the university, and it starts at the end of January. I’ll be taking Beginners Indigenous language. Ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to study an Indigenous language and now it’s another thing off my bucket list; something I didn’t think I’d ever get to do.

leather boots under a table

The process of becoming a student at the university was a shitpit of cock ups, and I will probably not do it again any time soon. I was incredibly frustrated with how poorly it was run and how little information I was provided with. At one point I threw in the towel and said fuck it. I won’t study anything while I’m here because it was such an upwards battle just to become a student. Jack had to pick me up from the floor, as he so often does with a broken wife, but finally it seems everything has worked out.

pen and paper

Today I registered for the class. I hope the young child in me appreciates the endless dreams I bring to fruition for her. It’s led me on a lost path somewhere to the west of everyone else, but her little dreams are coming true. I might not be able to make her a truly happy soul but I can give her a life that she can tell stories about and smile, even if it is for but a fleeting moment. I’ll give her whatever I have and none of it could be done without Jack backing me.

sun flares
shoes deep in snow
sun through the tree tops
gnarled tree

There’s nothing in this world I can’t do, at least i feel that way sometimes, and I can be proud that I picked others up along the way. And I am. Never in my life have I stood on a broken back or laughed at the face of paucity. The only person I have ever hindered has been myself, but I’m working on that. When I was little my mother would braid my hair and send me out into a world where everyone but me spoke English. I was terrified. However when I stepped out of our house looking like Pippi Longstocking, feeling like there was nothing I couldn’t do…nothing could break me. Now I speak better English than the men round the Queens table.
I hold on to this memory with everything I have. I’m still that little kid with long red pigtails, big front teeth and i was strong enough to carry a horse. I glide through life making people laugh, struggling and dreaming and remembering and hating the nostalgia. And going on poetic rants on blog posts…apparently.

young girl who looks like pippi longstocking

It’ll be strange to be a student once more. Not that I suppose I ever stopped being a student – we’re all children of the world after all and we should never stop learning. 95% learning can’t be done in a class room which is why instead of following everyone else to university… I went to the coast and sailed with my best friend. Then I flew to America. And you know the basics.

night sky looming in
Sundown and star

This evening my heart can rest. Today I did something for me that I have wanted and wished for. Something to help me onwards on the path I’ve taken.

Well, it’s īsibī-ta-nī-ni, time for lying down.
And I wish you a good night and happy dreaming.