the western imposter

Hello everyone!
It’s another Monday night, and another day closer to the weekend. Boy i started counting down Sunday night. You bet i did.
Tonight i was supposed to go to the horse rescue but it showed to be far too cold to do anything, so only the feeders went out there this evening. I really wanted to go out there to get to know everyone more and to get over my anxiety a little. The more often i go the quicker that feeling subsides and i can feel like i can get more deeply involved. When i get anxious i stand in my own way, for example i wont go ahead and do something i know how to do unless i’m told. I’ll let someone show me how to do something even if i already know how to do it. See what i’m saying? Then later that’ll piss me off that i didn’t just go ahead and do it in the first place.
Nevertheless I’ll be going back on Wednesday to film some riding and lunging for an adoption video, maybe take a few pictures too. I haven’t brought the big camera out there yet but i look forward to the results. Hopefully i’ll be doing some lunging with Isabella Bird (27 year old thoroughbred who is the sweetest). I’d love to adopt her myself but i have no place to keep her — same with Prada the Arabian Princess. They are such sweethearts.
But if we’re moving again, which we most likely will, it’s just not possible for me to get a horse right now.
Bummer Ted.
It sucks that UW ruined Wyoming, because Wyoming is one of the most beautiful states i’ve ever seen in my life. Christ. The stuff of a little 6 years olds dreams of cowboys and campfires and wild horses.

Isabella Bird, named after the British explorer i believe.

It’s been a good 15 years or more since i lunged a horse, so you can bet your arse im out of practice. I also haven’t worked at barn for a year and a half now. It’s incredibly frustrating to stand in your own way, and i battle and beat my head against it daily. So even though all this socialising stresses me and worries me, i really love the company so far. Easy people to get a long with and they really want the best for the equines they care for. Not to mention that they seem more than happy to let me “in.” I kinda already feel like part of the group though i’m not as educated in the nature of horses as they are. I’m an actor after all, not an equestrian. But what more could you want from new experiences?  I think i’m pretty bad ass for going against my own insecurities and telling them to go to hell. I might be a lone bear who likes the company of crickets, but this time i found folks i like.

Barn cat black with no boundaries.

I had my first real “shift” so to speak on Saturday, and it was a great day with good company. I felt a little unsteady at first but i think given some time i’ll soon get back into the swing. Because we keep moving, as soon as i get settled in a place, it all goes down the drain then i have to start over again. And thanks to UW i’m sure it’ll happen at least one more time. However, i will say when we go out on adventures or i go to this place — it makes it easier to deal with the mundane weekdays that drain life outta me, not completely —– but some. Also — i love this damn cat. Holy crap.

Happy Jack Road

Sometimes i feel like an imposter walking around in boots & cowboy hats, with a laconic state of mind, being so foreign and trying to hustle in with the real cowkids and western girls on horse back, but they really make me feel welcome at this new place, which is totally new to me. Exciting stuff.
Anyway i filmed a few clips and will be making a video of my first day there which i can’t wait to share with you. Yesterday we also took a trip to Cheyenne where i filmed all day for the fun of it. I think it’ll be “A day in Wyoming” type of video but we’ll see how that goes with time and all.

The Western Imposter

My dad might not be from Tennessee, my step father doesn’t sing the ballads in a dive bar and my mother isn’t some Southern woman who taught me to be the perfect pioneer wife. I’m just a lost little kid walking around this big world trying everything life has to give me. Missing all those i left behind in sad and bad and pretty home places. Finding my way through fields and mountains and plains and state to state to state. I get a little closer as it goes, but i know the feeling of being an imposter may haunt me a good long year or two yet. If you look at me now though, sitting on this here rock and thinking over all the places i’ve seen and the one guy that showed me what love was like?

I don’t have that much to complain about.
Happy Monday — see you again soon.

things i want to do in 2020

I’m pretty late to the 2020 game. February is fast approaching with her fake hearts and candy love; yet only now am I making a post about things I’d like to do in the year of someone’s lord 2020.

– Well, first off, and I suppose it’s always at the top of my list, I’d like to get back to Texas. There are many reasons. I think mostly I want to go back because I hope it makes me feel closer to Basil somehow. Like a homecoming. That sounds a little far-fetched but that’s as good a reason as any. Also because we love Texas and know how it works. It was the first place I’d ever truly felt at home aside from Denmark when I was young and dumb. I don’t regret moving, but I’ll be ecstatic to go back again. I’m gonna eat so much damn Whataburger, the best burger place around! Not that I don’t love Wyoming because I do, but there are some issues that unfortunately can’t be fixed.

– This one I suppose is relatively obvious. I’d like to succeed on the Horseshoeing course down in Cheyenne. I think it’ll be a hard go.. packed into two weeks but I think it’s going to be some sort of game changer for me. If all goes well I’ll be applying for a longer, more in depth, course in Texas. So I’d like to start making a little piggy bank for that as soon as I’m able.

– Not to sound superficial but there are a few technology things I’d like to purchase for photography obviously, filming and so forth. I won’t bother to list them because that’s a whole other post I reckon. There’s at least 3 new lenses I’d like but as of yet I am not made of money; only bacon, Dr.Pepper and granny smith apples.

– Every year I try to read around 100 books. The last year or so I utterly failed. I’ve let a lot of things go and unfortunately reading was one of them. However, this year I’m setting a goal to read 15 books at least but hopefully I’ll get to at least 30. I’m a firm believer that you have to read in order to write, and of course I’m not the first. Lately I’d run totally dry at the well. I couldn’t write a single word, let alone stitch them together and make a picture. The very day I began reading a book – my brain went into over drive and now I can’t keep from writing what so ever. I woke up around 5am this morning and wrote down a story of notes I’d dreamt up. It sucks to wake up but damn I had a great idea!

– I’d love to publish my Novel. I’ve been working incredibly hard on it for so long and I’m ready to let it go out into the world, taking me by the hand. I’d also like to sort out my poetry and little short stories for another publishing project. That one I think is a littler simpler and can be achieved now if I tried enough. Nevertheless – it’s the novel that is my concern and my every waking thought. So that one has to come first.

– A passion of mine, though I have so little time for it, is filming. I prefer filming to taking pictures. I feel the only pictures I’m good at are self-portraits and no one wants to admit that, let’s be honest. I’m not a narcissist – I definitely don’t do it out of love for myself, because I definitely lack that. I just have this troubled relationship with myself that I find my own portraits interesting even if I don’t like them. If that makes any sense at all, but we are all our own worst critics are we not? I’d love to ultimately have my own little company and create mini-westerns on our land… That we’ll have one day. Youtube goes hand in hand with that. I’d like to use the platform more, but I’m just always lacking the time. I haven’t even really started to look at my footage from Denmark, because it’s already over whelming. Working full time is a damn nuisance when it isn’t a job you bleed for. I’d love to do a short continuous vlog but I don’t really feel I have enough to discuss or, again, the time. I don’t really know what people would find interesting about my life, I don’t see as that interesting myself.

– I’d like to get an exercise bike. I don’t plan on being some stick with a crooked neck, I’m a curvy kid with hips from here to somewhere in China. No. I want an exercise bike to have at home because the more I exercise the happier I become. My depression is not well kept secret, no point — it’s as much a part of me as a single word, but I can handle the son of a bitch a lot better when I’m working out once a day. I’ve gone for runs here in Wyoming on the not so cold days but my lungs have been plaguing me something awful, so that’s not much of an option. I will not pay $399 for a membership at the university because fuck that noise. I’d consider going to the local gym… If I didn’t know for a fact that everyone at work goes there. Where is the fun in that then? I may as well go to work and run around the building like a crazy person. I LOVE working out, but I want to do it as a stranger and preferably alone (Jack doesn’t count). I also naturally eat better when I work out because I don’t want to undo my hard work. Does that make any sense?

– Simple. I’d like to see my mum. No pussy footing around that one. I miss her terribly and I love her company. It plagued me something awful how much I wished I could hug her more when I was home, but cruelties in life have led to me being very uncomfortable being touched or showing affection to people. Jack, again, is an exception. I remember just trying to WILL myself to go and hug my mum because I’d regret if I didn’t. I do regret it now but I’m a damn mountain when I want to be.

– And finally, the sore subject. I’d like to get a dog. Saying it out loud is hard and thinking it makes me feel like some evil witch with a hook for a nose. A life without animals is a sad one. I will never be able to replace Basil, and I’d never try. It cannot be done. But I also can’t sit and wait to die just to be around him again. A new dog won’t blur him from my mind, because he is forever my baby. However, another animal I think would be great for us, and there are SO many dogs desperate for homes in Texas alone…I’d like another beagle, but I can’t do that. It’d feel too much like a betrayal. I will be setting out for a hound of some kind though however, like a Basset Hound. I’d love a Basset. I feel bad how short their legs are, and that concerns me, however if there’s one in a shelter – I want it.

And there you go.
What are some of your wishes for 2020? ♡

Tomboy in a skirt
Madame Lady-Like

a day in the life of a lowly semi-published writer

It’s Friday, almost the best day of the week for me because my give-a-shit is nil and it’s almost Saturday. Today I wanted to show you what a regular day in my life looks like.

I woke up at dick o’clock this morning unable to breathe due to the air is awful dry here. I got ready, packed my work bag and before leaving I checked on the bird in my wash room; to make sure he was warm enough and had something to eat/drink while I’m gone.


And so into the frosty air we ventured to the bus stop and waited the 5 minutes it takes to arrive. The buses here are incredible. They come to the end of our road every 5 to 6 minutes until 6.30pm at night. As you can imagine this is very convenient as we barely use the car at all and can keep it in the garage when the weather is bad. Jack and I walk to work together, Jack walks me to my office because that’s love and when I reach my desk I’m usually 30 minutes early. I hate getting to work so early but it’s the best way to avoid an over cramped bus with too many students that all smell of body odor and mistakes.
Besides it gives me time to get into the mindset of being surrounded by people all day.

Throughout the day I do my job, which is what it is. My job helps pay to fund our habits of travel, swords, cameras and never ending balls of yarn – – until one day my books take the stand and see me paid for for the rest of my probably short life. Then I can have a sommerhus in Denmark and be surrounded by home when ancestral air whenever I like, and fly back to Wyoming or Texas; wherever my horses may be. Who knows, I may wish to return home for good one day. Denmark is very different these days though however.


When there is down time at work that is when I force myself to write, and some days it truly is a battle.
I’m lucky in that I can always produce good content when it comes to writing, but for me it is about find the adequate content for the right project. Anyway, I’ll put on my inspirational music which brings down my heart rate so I can relax into my story, and I can sit and type for hours and forget the day. That is the happiest and most pleasant part of my work day. I tested my heartrate theory the last few days in fact because I’m odd like that but with the way my heart has been in the past it’s not a bad idea to keep a close eye on it. My heart rate is at the same rate when I’m sleeping as it is when I’m writing, whereas the moment someone speaks to me or asked me to do something its rockets up to 78. That to me is proof that my body craves words like sex and air, and that I should probably go to the doctor but I’m not paying for that shit. If I do not write I become sick in the mind. Going to work I see as a way to force and teach myself into a routine where I can bring writing to fruition on a consistent basis. If only I could do the same with reading but if my bosses see me with a book in my hand that might be over kill. I do try to read a little before I sleep, you cannot write if you do not read. Then you are doing half the work and hoping for the best.

And that is where I am sitting right now. At work writing to you because today is a day where my novel and I are finding it hard to figure each other out. I find myself counting the minutes to lunch time every day because I do intermittent fasting where I don’t begin to eat until noon and then I stop eating at 8pm. At higher altitude that is a pretty hard habit to get into but I’m slowly making progress. I’ve made myself a special lunch today of fruit, home-made rye bread, dried cherry + spinach + kale salad with a dark chocolate oat drink. I made Jacks lunch for him last night and that was when the incident with blasted unboil-able rice occurred and no I’m not ready to talk about it. My heart rate immediately went to a solid 75 just mentioning it. 😉


So when I have finished here I shall go get my lunch and watch YouTube videos during my break. Proceed with whatever writing that I can until its home time. When that jubilant moment comes forth I shall find Jack, get on the bus and ride home to my domicile with pride and freedom in my heart.  Supposedly we are making a trip to Walmart for a new apple TV and then coming home where I will cook a Danish Meal called “millionbøf,” with scallions and vegetable spaghetti and bison meat.
Wow. Could that be anymore westernized than that? Bison meat instead of lovely Danish cows. I might even allow myself a dr.pepper (i did).  The space heater that looks like a cackle-oven will be lit and that’s when I’ll post this.


I’ve also planned my first real video since we’ve moved here, but when I have time to film it will be the question. I’ve been trying to discover the best settings in premier pro for exporting videos and the best camera settings but I’m not quite there yet. When I watch back my YouTube videos (rare) I notice that it looks compressed/sharpness has gone to balls and no matter what I do seems to fix the issue. I expect its many factors but its pisses me off. Its also a large part of the reason I don’t post as many videos as I’d like.


I wish you a good night and i hope you enjoyed a more in depth view of my life.
More to follow i’m sure. How did you spend your Friday today? 

memories riding me west

Pointing to the West

I’m sick at home with the flu. It’s been trying to catch up with me for weeks but i’ve been dodging it like an son of a bitch. But i could only run for so long. And so here we are. I’m investing some well earned time into my blog today and i’ve been digging into my dark pit of old photographs. Boy, it sure is easy to lose yourself in the past.

When i was little i didn’t play all that much with other children. I was busy playing cowboys and Indians at Mormor & Morfars house. Morfar, as long as i can remember, has always been John Wayne to me. I also thought Mormor was secretly a witch because she had a very questionable broom stick in the garage, but Morfar was Big John Wayne with the personality of an angry buffalo. He was the Duke because he folded the ends of his jeans the same way. My jeans were always too long for me because i was so small — so he’d fold mine too because theres no need to ruin the end of your cowboy jeans if it can be avoided. In Denmark thats what we called Jeans “Cowboy trousers.” Morfar is taller than the mast on a rigger — he also has a burly step to his walk.
He still has/does all these things. It’s one of the many things that early on in my life pointed to something bringing me west. I used to have a small belt buckle with three rope rings on it and in the rope rings was a conestoga wagon, a team of 8 horses and two people riding to a new homestead in the west. Jack and i probably. All this time i carried us on my belt. Until it didn’t fit and i grew woman hips. In England i would make bows and arrows out of sticks and string. And that i could fire a crossbow better than the man who owned it.  Even in nursery i remember sitting in a random tube in a hole in the ground wearing big black cowboy boots that didn’t fit (sorry mor — i lied so you’d buy them for me). But i wanted them and i wore them, they must have made a difference considering i live my everyday in cowboy boots. There are many little things in my life that seemed to nudge me towards what was going to happen.

Morfar and his folded Jeans, with me on his shoulders and Steph hiding behind him.

I wanted to share some of my photographs from that life on this blog. I don’t know why i didn’t blog back then. I tried a couple of times but life was getting pretty complicated and i could barely keep up. Surprisingly i also don’t have that many photographs from Texas, but that was because i was so busy living. I’d found life so god damn hard up until that point — but now there was a reason to try harder. To be better. To be a new person and a greater version of me — the me i recognise. And i look at her every day in the mirror now. Though somedays i might not like her face i so appreciate her for what she’s done for me and got me through. I can look at her in the eye and tell her she did the work of a woman who could fly. A person who believed she could so she did.

I’m sure some of you question whether i had anything that stopped me wanting to move to Texas. Yes, i had a few small things in the back of my mind that concerned me but i’ve never been one to listen that well. And i went anyway. Before i met Jack i never wanted to go to America, and i felt terrible for everything the First nations were put through. I wanted no part of that which is why i never wanted to step foot on that land. I didn’t want to move further away from my family either and i so wanted to grow old in Denmark. Sometimes i still do. But i know i’m not meant for that life. I’ve lived so long away from home — that home is anywhere now. If i returned home i would never belong again and it would feel like everything was a dream. The absolute hardest part of moving was giving up my sailing life and it’s still a wound that i scratch at once in a while, but i’m also aware enough to know that that part of my life was supposed to bring me to something better than where i’d been. Sailing was the last beautiful gift England gave me after the harsh years i had where i was. And i got my best friend for life, but i had to leave and move on to find where i was supposed to be. So yes these things can still get on my mind and i still have to work to figure them out but for now I bring to you — Texas as seen through my eyes.

The brazos river. One of my favourite places in Texas so far and in almost every western you’ll ever read. Ain’t she pretty?
The sunset in Texas is out of this world. Its where the earth meets the stars. And the mule smiles. So — that tells you how damn rare it is to see a sky like this anywhere else.
You wont find a town in Texas that doesn’t have old secrets of whores, railroads or just beautiful architecture.
The most handsome man any which way from the Mississippi.
A backend rail road haunted by the corpse of a dead’n gone dog the size of a car. You think i’m lying, but it’s true. I thought about sharing the picture but it still breaks my heart to see. As i’ve said before — Texas isn’t always pretty. It’s harsh living and you see a little of it every day. Folk from Texas are made of something different.
Home-decor inspiration.
Barrel racin’ !
Huntsville Rodeo.
I’ll always remember the Alamo. I remember her like an old friend. When i saw her from behind the trees i wept. I’d heard about her from Morfars stories and the old westerns on Tv. Right in front of me she was, and she was perfect.
A friend gave me an old hat — you don’t give a hat to a man you dislike.
Farm country.
An old abandon town with an old abandoned buck board.
An old gas station.
I never had the issue of snakes coming into my living room when i lived in England, funny that. But this garter was a cutie.
I want one. A Texas longhorn.
Lizards, lizards everywhere! I even showered with one. Im still not entirely sure which one of us was more traumatised.
Fields of a hundred prison ponies, and they’re all the sweetest and easiest going horses i’ve met in my life. And i met a lot of horses and a lot of horse people.
Strong and beautiful culture with dances that sing like the wind.
The old buckboard is open to homesteaders wanting to go back on the Oregon Trail.
My first shot was barely a cm from the bullseye. When we get our own land — i’ll be the next Annie Oakley, just not quiet as sophisticated.
Praying mantis — i’d only ever seen these creatures on tv. Now this guy was living on my porch.
The most beautiful butterfly i’ve seen in my entire life. Again — on my porch.
A Texan worth moving 4000miles for.
Probably the strangest visitor we’ve had… but still. I dont mind letting these guys sleep outside the door.
When he knew i was leaving. And i didn’t see him for 8 months. When we all already belonged to eachother, and the harder times were still to come.
Wide open spaces and beauty at every roadside. Even if its just another gate to another field, in another town.
In the dying sunlight the babies will piss off their mothers and start to play.
Out in the middle of bum fuck Egypt nowhere Texas, where the wind was high but sun was higher. We stopped the car for a few minutes just to take it in. The view. The air. The sky.
The longest and most incredible road i ever saw.
A folk festival and Jacks big hat.
Our boy on our first walk in a park as the three musketeers.
The herd at the farm we worked at a while.
I’ve never met a horse or a donkey that didn’t love Jack.
Angel had a lot of opinions that day, but it was a fantastic ride with great company.
Probably one of my favourite pictures i’ve ever taken, because this is a picture of utter happiness. Of a dream lived and realised. Of hard work. Breaking barriers. Living. And you know what else? Folded jean bottoms.
Texas was hard and circumstances arose so we tried something new, but to me — this is what Texas was to me. Everything right in this picture. So, im glad we tried leaving but i’ll be a lot happier to get back to an old porch where my boots can clomp on the boards. Where the hot sun is dying and Jack is grilling something. And Basil, though he’s not here anymore — he’s in every damn plan i’ll ever make.

[I’d like to clarify that Jack would not be grilling Basil, i just noticed how that last quote sounded.]