This is Annie, a sweet 9 year old quarter horse mare whose looking for her forever home.
To see all my videos for the Equine Revival subscribe to them on youtube!
It’s Thursday. A regular Thursday, or perhaps not so regular. As you’ve probably noticed I’ve really been driven to start filming as I go through days and experiences and life troubles. I always felt that the filming was pointless, because it’ll never look as good or as magic as other people’s videos. And then a few days ago I caught myself in the mirror.
My conversation went something like this:
“Bitch what you doing?”
“Nah, I mean with your damn life. You got two cameras in a bag, and you want to use ‘em, yet you don’t because you know someone will always be better? You know what a writer and clever as you are – you are a damn fool.”
“Could we talk about this perhaps at a time where I ain’t in dire need of wiping my ass?”
“It’s the only time you look at yourself in the mirror kid, Look at yourself and do what you want. Quit beating around and making excuses.”
“And open the damn window. Smells like somebody died.”
To begin with the filming was to show family at home that I am here, and that I’m not as far away as it feels. Now it’s becoming a creative out let. When I can’t write. I’ll film. When I can’t Act. I’ll film. And I’ll feel Jack smiling at me whilst I sit and edit on the floor in front of our little space heater. Just like he smiles when I sit playing my bass or slide guitar. Already I feel this filming is taking me to new places and proficiencies. My biggest regret is that I didn’t start it in Texas, when every day was Basil and I talking about everything, talk a foreign walk in dead heat – when things were truly tough but the days were free and beautiful. One thing though, Jack and I are as in love as we’ll ever be, even if we’re missing a piece. A piece that’ll be missing till we one day die too. That’s fine.
As you know I started at this new horse rescue last week, and it all happened like it was meant to be. Everything has been awesome. I’ve been free to film and take pictures. Then today I get a long text message asking me if I would film for them and vlog and help and become a part of something purposeful, something that really means something to me and obviously to me. I about fly down the stairs at work screaming with sheer excitement. That’s something I’d never dared to dream of. How amazing. I truly am so happy right now, today. Tomorrow I might struggle a little again, but that’s how living is. It’s hard, brutal and little drops of hope keep us from dehydration.
Unfortunately due to getting messed up by my job and then other monetary stupidities popping up I’ve had to bail on the farrier class, the one thing I was so desperately looking forward to. One of the main reasons for I came to Wyoming. I haven’t had the heart to email them yet to let them know I’m too damn fucked and too damn poor right now to take the class. Mostly because I don’t want to face it. We often ignore things we can’t bring ourselves to admit. We’re all guilty kids running around lying. I’m very guilty of it and I do it a lot. However, this horse rescue might have my back here. One of the girls, Sarah, has offered to show me what she knows and mentioned knowing someone who is a bare foot trimmer that might need an assistant. You know those people you meet and you just click and things seem good and right? Well I’ve only had that twice or thrice in my life. Jack. Patrick. And my first best friend Jamie Riley — wherever he may be now.
Anyway I’m so over whelmed and humbled. This weekend I’ll actually be taking a trip with the folks at the rescue to Denver, which will be a totally new experience for me. I’ve never been to a horse expo before, but I can’t think of anyone better to go with. Like some hermit crab I actually asked “if I go – I’ll be able to stay with you guys right?”
That’s how un-used to people I am these days. How unfamiliar I’ve become with how things work. It’s a little pathetic, but I mention it because this is what it’s like moving to new countries. You don’t know what will ridicule you or embarrass you. Jack is the safety blanket I’m very reluctant to let go of incase I get lost. He’s also the one telling me, “You need to go.”
So damn it. This weekend I’m going to Denver… with what people call friends. I cannot wait. I filmed my first day at the barn which was last Saturday. You can find the video below.
I made a little video of our random Sunday this weekend. I thought you might enjoy following me along and take a little peak into my private life.
The title might give you a wee misconception about some bad valentine’s day. That’s not the truth. I don’t much believe in the holidays, especially those that don’t give me a day off from work. ‘Cause that ain’t a damn holiday – then it’s just some sad money grabbing attempt at making people feel lonely, feel set apart and dead inside or make ’em feel like they need to prove they love that cheating bastard on the sofa. Pointless.
Every day is a gift if you got the right fish in the tank, that’s all I’m saying.
Anyway, as I said, that’s not really strictly what this post is about. I’ve strongly been considering getting rid of this blog and my other social media profiles. Not because I don’t enjoy them – I enjoy my blog and I enjoy making videos on YouTube, hell I even like Instagram on occasion. However, it starts to make everything feel pressured. Make life look good, make that angle pretty and taught and for heaven’s sake stop me looking like some old failure in a cape. I think we all become guilty of feeling like our feeds have to look a particular way, shape or form – it has to paint us as these perfect beings without a moment’s thought for broken convictions. And as someone more broken than most – I find that hard to look at, knowing how false it is. People copying one another and only doing certain things to see if their following picks up. It’s damn sad.
Truly I don’t know why I have a blog at all. I’m unfriendly, occasionally guilty of being unfeeling toward others and I’m an incredibly private person. The strange part is – that I like blogging. Why they hell do I like it, do you suppose? The free flow of words that won’t make it into books but have still been said – that’s what I like. For those of you who follow me on Instagram you’ll have noticed and read my stories. I cut the ties to the folks who follow me in hopes of follows back, the accounts that were simply there for numbers sake and so forth. I deleted the negative unreal posts from my feed. The numbers don’t matter, which i knew already, but now the constat itch is gone. Now my feed is of all those good souls sharing the important small moments of their life and being honest when times are hard, when times are sad and when that little glimmer of hope comes to them as if from nowhere. That’s what it’s for. Not all that competition bullshit.
Oh hell, it’s Valentine’s Day. So let’s move on!
Today Jack and I will be getting tattoos. We originally had no plans for Valentine’s Day — not any that were different from any other day. Have dinner together, talk about our day, laugh and comfort each other. Finish the night with Disney films, Miami vice or a good swashbuckling film about pirates and ships. However, we went to get tattoos a few weeks ago – our artist was swamped with appointments and we wanted a few adjustments to our ideas, and so she asked us if we wanted to come back on Valentine’s Day and get them done – so just like that we have plans for today.
And here is a video from our little Valentines day date!