the things i’ll do

♡ I plan to go to the school of horse shoeing. Even though it’ll beat the shit outta my back i plan to shoe draft horses during that time as well — i have a huge love for drafts but being as small as i am it’d be one huge challenge that could push me to whatever limits i have. Im sure i got them some place.
♡ Photograph wild horses. Since i was a child i always wanted to see wild horses and after getting my first cameras and so forth, it became a dream to photograph them. And i dont mean bringing a bag of carrots and getting bombarded with up close and personal experience. I mean… photographing their way of life, their herd, the relationships and just their mysticism. In Europe you could only imagine what an American Mustang must truly be like.
♡ Volunteer at an equine therapy stable and also start consistent riding lessons.
♡ My etsy will be up and running with any luck, and i’ll hopefully be able to sell some of my sweaters and maybe some more artwork too. Not a big deal but a fun little experiment.
♡ Visiting all the railroad museums and any other museum we can possibly find!
♡ Go to fucking Deadwood and stay in to Bullock hotel.
♡ Sit out in our yard and do absolutely nothing but dream about writing and then take notes whilst sipping sun brewed iced tea.
♡ I plan to become a damn expert at using my vintage film cameras if it kills me. It’s such a satisfying experience to use cameras the old fashioned way.
♡ To write even more than i am now and keep up my exercises as close to every day as possible. Finish a book or two and get that publishing going.
♡ Create more short films … WITH dialogue and start an old west podcast.
♡ Get my god damn drivers license.

the day i met Crazy Horse’ Elder, Wopila !

It’s not everyday that something extraordinary happens like a flash, so quick you almost don’t believe it. It’s not even in every life time that you can strike gold, but my gold mines are starting to tally and i’m worried i’m running out whatever the hell luck i’m living on — because i keep living these dreams i never thought could be possible. And i am beholden…. shy of bound, to whatever man makes the god damn rules in this place.
In an afternoon, i was moved. I was changed in some profound and sagacious way that i can’t quite put my finger on what the fuck happened to me in those moments.
My mind a little deeper and much richer than it was last week.
I wanted to write this post the other night but my website is as temperamental as a she-bear. Therefore, tonight is the night now that i have a moment that is all mine. After all — they say that words mean more at night and will send you dreaming.
A few weeks ago an event popped into a feed and a plan was made. Simple as that. No great sign or path.
I’d tried to talk myself out of going just because it was effort and i don’t like interacting with people, but this was a bucket list item — something i’d only dreamed of since i was still young enough to believe in happy endings. And Jack, the golden boy that is — wouldn’t let me back out.
The event was a meet/greet/book signing with Crazy Horse’ Elder, and the author of the families book — Bill Matson. I’ve never attended anything of this kind before, i always thought it was somewhat awkward and not my scene. I figured it was mostly just something that was done in movies or for weird die hard fans like…twilight geeks etc.
Having said that — i was wrong.
I reckon i was just waiting for the right time and it found me,  in the dying summer of New England 2019. What are the odds.
I’ve always been very aware that indigenous people in films, books, media and history were “whitewashed” and “europeanised.” Which is a damn shame and unnecessary.
Rarely have they been given the chance to openly portray their truth or even speak it. And that was why i desperately wanted to hear the sore and exposed truth of their culture. Thats what he gave to me, the difference between truth and assumptions. A lot of what is thought to be fact — is an assumption about the Red Nation and many other parts of life. It was beautiful and meaningful to hear it from him — his truths, his stories, all about his blood-tree … rather than from a book that has rolled through editors where stories were changed and translations crapped over like yesterdays newspaper.
So i’m very very excited to read the book of their family.
I’m excited to read Matson’s words and  learn more about the true Crazy Horse and their lives since.
The meeting was raw. It was strong. Nerve wracking. But utterly and finally, it was magnificent. Even though the audience members made me kinda embarrassed to be white due to their weird inane questions and stereotypical thought processes. They asked about finding “medicine men on facebook,” were surprised “Indians were so nice”  and i could honestly go on. But i choose to remember the experience in a way Bearheart  taught me to. Find the positive and learn the lesson.
I realise i haven’t talked about it in too much depth but i fear it would ruin my experience for me, just like pulling your camera out in a beautiful moment and living through the lens instead of being truly present.
So this is all i’ve leave you with.
Speak truth, don’t assume and tell the story how it happened without modern embellishments (fiction writers excluded).

trading with a friend

It was just another slow Sunday today but laced in a cool breeze, giving us a much needed break from the humidity. Thank goodness. I don’t have a lot i want to write about, but i felt like writing a short post about a regular day for me — because i don’t usually do that. So — here’s to trying something new ! Currently i’m doing a knitting trade with a good friend of mine. I’m knitting her a sweater with cotton yarn and in exchange i get one or two of her beautiful scarves. I’ve never done anything like this before so i’m pretty excited about the process. (I also get to write a letter and send it snail mail style — which is something i really love to do) Old style mail is like poetry these days. I don’t often use patterns, if at all. I make it all up as i go and see how it turns out. I never make the same thing twice — even if i’m trying to knit a pair of socks, fucking bastard socks. I get heated just thinking about having to knit two of something it SUCKS.

My day pretty much consisted of your regular dreading of Monday morning, eating bacon, jerky and hyping myself up for a new big challenge. As most of you can probably tell i suffer from a pretty crippling mindset of self hatred and body dysmorphia —  lace all that bullhickey in with deadening depression and you have the wonderfully witty  genius you see before you.  The funniest kid any side of the Mississipi. Artists and comedians suffer greatly for their craft; and fuck i’ve suffered like a son of a bitch. That’s right folks, not even i am at all perfect as social media might portray. I am in fact flawed like an old piss sodden boot with a hole in the toe, and i wouldn’t change much about it. Perfection is terribly over rated.
Anyway, my point is that i’m working on changing my cognitive thinking. Don’t get me wrong, i love a bit of depression here and there because its how i write the way i do.
I can write some beautifully haunting scenarios like no other, terrible stories and cruel characters, that though they may not be entirely good — they’ll be remembered; but its time  for me to change a little too. I’m smart enough to realise that. Because if you’re not working on yourself, where are you going and how can you grow? Also, i can’t expect my characters to change — if i don’t.

I’ve been working out on a consistent basis for over a year now and attempting (and failing), to change my eating habits. DING DING. But thats the next goal. To stop eating what i know fuels my depression like fuel on a fire pit. And its only a habit that needs breaking, because i don’t enjoy when i eat those foods — but i do it out of the comforting habit drowning in sugar like babies suckling tit milk.
Today isn’t really the first day of me working on this, by no means but today is yet another day where i’ll start the intermittent fasting and try a new method of thinking of food by not canceling out everything i love, but changing how much and when i have it. Good luck to me, after all… if you don’t like something change it.

Fear not! My blog is not becoming a fitness blog full of air filled muscles, booty photos and starved selfies. No ma’am. But fitness has become a bigger part of my life this year and i’m loving it because i can physically and mentally feel the changes. If i’m sad about something, i’ll take a run, a walk or get under the weights. Recently i’ve been pretty low because i’ve been homesick after watching particular television shows, another terrible trigger that can send me in to a cave macabre thoughts for weeks. Homesickness is a cruelty i would only wish on about 30 people that i believe deserve to feel something other than falsely placed superiority.

And thats all my Sunday consisted of. Settling things in my mind and figuring out the next step. Here’s to new horizons, opportunities and futures looming. Tell me about your Sunday and something you’d like to change.

Happy Sunday Night and have a grand following week.

Also — if you’re interested in the knitting my friend does here is a link to her facebook page here.


A boy called Standing Horse

I’m the kind of person who is kept up at night with a mind running 120 miles an hour.
“Oh woe is me how i regret this!”
Damn it, i wish i could sleep.
“Why did i say that?”
“Why couldn’t i have been different?”
“Also — why is the sky blue?”
Son of a b—- ! Let me sleep. For the love of christ. Let me sleep.
But alas. I’m up and i’m thinking, rarely anything good.
I need to let go. I need to breathe and realise that i am allowed to make mistakes.
My poor heart of guilt and self judgement needs to rest. Something only i can fix. I didn’t walk out of the womb in a flourish of perfection like an 80’s star walking away from an explosion. I came out kicking, screaming and covered in placenta — and while i wont say im going out the same way, i know i’m not going out of this world in a suit and tie.

That’s why today i’m telling you about a boy i knew called Standing Horse.

Recently an old memory has crept into my brain and i’ve been thinking about it a lot.
A small thing to anyone else but it sits in my minds eye like its trying to tell me something. What am i missing? Obviously something is missing. Its been bothering me and i don’t entirely know how to form the story in my head, so this blog post might be a little all over the place.   As some of you know I’ve worked at a lot of farms/barns/horse ranches whatever you want to call them in my life. And one day, a new horse came to a farm where i was working. There was something special about this horse and i took to him immediately. He was young, but big and had a permanently concerned look on his face. The time came around when I had to clean his stall. So in i go with a wheel burrow and a shit picker. When a door is open nature tells you, almost urges you, to go and see whats on the other side and especially with animals this instinct is strong. And so this sweet boy was curious and peers out over the wheel burrow and down the long line of stalls, hay bales and horse faces appearing from their doors. He was very meek tempered. I always enjoyed doing his stall the most because he did his business in one place and though it weighed a tonne, it was a quick clean and he was super fluffy. But he was in my way. So i asked to him back up. He look at me, but didn’t move. I said it a little stronger and waited for him to move, but again. Nothing. I started feeling like a bit of an idiot. Why wasn’t what i was doing working? I’ve never had an issue with getting a horse to back up in my life, so what the hell? But yet, here i was with this guy who would not back up and move away. Standing Horse stood there and looked me right in the eye. And i looked right back at him.
I could see his eyes resting on me — there was so much going on in his mind.
That i knew.

A few people who would say “he needs to learn to get outta the way and out of your face. This is unacceptable.” Others would immediately rise to anger or frustration. Clouding their vision in a manner that closes their mind to whats really happening. To me getting mad doesn’t do anything when it comes to animals, it has no place.  It’s just a matter of miscommunication. So when he wouldn’t move i stood for a while and felt agitated because i was embarrassed.
“The others probably think i don’t know what i’m doing, even though i know deep down i’m better at this job than them.”
But as he looked at me it was like he was telling me to open my eyes. Something about the way he carried himself and how he stood, was telling me something. I couldn’t quite read him and thats why i think back to it so often. I know in my heart that he wasn’t misbehaving or being contrary, i just knew —  though maybe i’m describing it in that fashion. I hope not.
But I listened to him, though i didn’t fully understand. I spoke to him softly. I remember a few days before i saw a woman walking into his stall and just going nuts by shoving, flaying her arms around and demanding he move because she wanted in and out so she could get back to her 5 star life with fancy cars, fake nails and herd of over pampered children who smelt like mini-prostitutes with their perfumes. I could see his shoulders tense and his nostrils strain, the whites in his eyes showed he was very uneasy when she did this. He backed up unsteadily with his back ridged and his neck overly arched. In my core i simply hurt for him and wanted to drag her out of there. She invaded his innocent space and wanted to show him she was the boss.
I don’t want to be that type of person, ever and i never will be.
I understand you have to know what you’re doing around big animals but theres more than one way.
There is always a better way. Now i know well enough i’m not an expert, but for me if something doesn’t feel right it just isn’t right. Simple as that. If my life has taught me one thing its to trust my god damn gut, because it ain’t wrong and its brought me to great things and saved me from bad situations. And it has forced me into a time where i have to face myself and open my damn eyes to whats around me and what matters.
For me horses are a blessing. A therapy. A great gift that are so often taken for granted. Their freedom belongs to their owners — its a sad way of putting it but that’s the cold truth of it. If i had my own i’d make damn sure they lived as free as i could afford. Whether they could ride or not, that means nothing to me. The companionship, welfare and mutual understanding is the most important.

Standing Horse

I’ve been feeling like an idiot for a long time because i didn’t just move him because thats what the others do, and i questioned my abilities as i so often do, but now i’m trying to understand what the deeper meaning was. Why is this so important to me to remember?  The hardships of a journey i’m on. I don’t believe a horse is a “pet” for me to break and decide over, i don’t believe its something you sell when you think it’s given what its got to give (which is something i’ve seen so much of that it makes my soul bleed). A horse, like a dog or any other animal for that matter, is for life. It deserves a herd, a partnership, and mostly deserves to be happy. I don’t want a forced relationship of take take take like everyone else. To me an understanding runs much deeper than that, and mutual respect is stronger than money can buy. I was told once that a horse chooses you and i believe there is truth in that. A horse knows if you are truly good and i believe they can read you like a christian reads a bible. They know every page, verse and song about you – better than you know yourself. They hear your secrets and show you what you must learn, but you must be open.
Today i realised that this was a test. Was i willing to stop what i was doing to listen? Was i willing to take a minute to understand another soul even if it meant my job would take longer to be completed? Was i willing to understand this animal better? To be different than the others? And i was. I was willing to get it wrong because there was a chance i was misunderstanding what was happening. It’s a lesson i’m still thinking about and learning from today. A lesson to trust your gut and not give a hot shit what anyone else is doing or thinking of you. Be good to yourself and listen to your instincts. I carry it with me in my heart. I mustn’t feel like an idiot because i didn’t force him to move,  but i should be proud that i took a minute to understand what he was telling me. Life is a journey where everyday has obstacles to remind you to open your eyes and stop hustling and start looking. I didn’t move him and if i’d done like the woman i saw — i know i could have but i wanted to be better than that, even if it made me look like i didn’t know what i was doing.

I gave him the name Standing Horse, and thats how i will remember this lesson.
A horse that doesn’t move has words to speak. So let them speak.

He was telling me i didn’t need to show him i was boss, i just need to do what felt right.