native hope & every drop of beauty

As some of you have seen on my facebook i’ve started a fundraiser!
I’ve been meaning to start it for a few months but i felt the time wasn’t right. I was quite worried, i guess. My mind wasn’t in a good place. In life you need to wait for your bones to feel comfortable in your body and for your gut to settle before taking a big step. I waited and i’m happy i did, because all of a sudden it was time! Time to pick my limp body up from the hole i’d died in years ago. Time to be better. Time to be happier. Time to live as i’ve never lived. Time to try to be happy. I’m ready to be the person i know i’ve hidden away all this time.
I’ve recently started a journey. And it’s a journey of healing my broken bones. I’m an old soul of out my time and the modern world causes me to struggle now and again. My inner spirit becomes so overwhelmed and i’m learning to free it, to let it spread its wings and holler as loud as it wants. And it’s not as easy as it sounds. Changing your mind and the way you’ve thought for 26 years is pretty damn hard, but my time came to change and it hit me like a frying pan to the face.
This fundraiser is a part of my change. Instead of dreaming of doing something in the future when things might be different, i’m doing them now and slowly stitching myself together. One small step at a time. And within the first day or so i’m already close to half way to my goal!

This organisation has been a large part of the reason behind my last couple of posts on instagram and the change in my thinking. They have been inspiring me every morning to take a moment and think. I can wake up in a foul mood before the sun has risen, but they remind me to stop. Breathe. And reflect. So I count my blessings. I try to understand rather than react and my soul is happier for it. Thats not to say i don’t still struggle and sometimes want to jump off a cliff, but now its not the only answer. The answer is inside, beneath my ribs… pumping blood through my body. I have to listen to the black bird fluttering in my gut and i have to listen to my heart. I can’t bare the weight of the world on my shoulders any longer. Some things have to be let go. I’m not a saviour and neither are you — but we can help. We can educate ourselves. I’m trying to raise awareness for a strong beautiful message, the healing journeys of many and just an incredible charity that are making changes.

Instead of buying that cheap cup of coffee or stale two day old cake, you could donate that small amount to a charity that you can see is making big changes.
please note this not an advertising this is simply a cause/non-profit organisation that is close to my heart, and i wanted to share it with you.

link to my fundraiser

 

silent

It’s the first of February already and in all honesty i have no idea where the hell January went. I didn’t make any new years resolutions but i did make a second vlog about coming to America!
I wasn’t excited for a new year to start because i’ve left a lot of things behind in 2018 that i wasn’t ready to. But such is the sorrow of living sometimes, we have to do what is hard. Theres nothing to be done about it. If life was easy there wouldn’t be any great books to read(and i’ve read three already this year!)
And the world would be ever poorer.
It really bums me out when i abandon my blog because its probably where i’m the most honest.
The little place i get to be me.

Having said that, i’ve started trying to pursue things i’ve always wanted to. I’m learning Native American sign language, and a couple of Blackfeet phrases to boot — i can already sing a couple of songs in Cherokee and Lakota Sioux.
There is something very powerful about talking with new breath in an old language.
How the word rolls on your tongue or opens your throat to new sounds.
Now thats magic.

Today i’ve also been fiddling around with Nordic Hide painting too on some old skins i’ve had hidden away. This was all after having been to the gym and work. Im impressed with how productive i’ve been today, because recently i’ve barely had the energy to read or get out of bed. That happens a lot.
I feel quite smothered in New England as there is no escape from people.
Theres nowhere to go where you can be alone.
Yesterday i filmed a little in the woods which was probably not my smartest idea. Considering the polar vortex and that i almost got frostbite. But when things are hard or inspiration has stood you up — the only answer is to go outside. Let the sun burn you a little. Let a squirrel throw a nut at you and get your hands frozen by the biting wind.
Nothing brings you back like mother nature.
Trust me.
Whats a lost finger here and there in comparison?

This is the sign for silent; a strong sign that means a lot to me.
I choose to be silent and watch.
I choose not to raise my voice because its not in my spirit.
Im not built that way.
A word can paint a thousand pictures, it can tell you how to think and how to feel.
However, observing the world in silence means you have to make up your own mind and think for yourself.
A pretty powerful trait.