what they don’t tell you about when you finish your first book

Its all fun and games and countless hours when you’re writing your book, but the business after is tough.
Reading your manuscript back is the worst pain i’ve felt since i got on this damn train ride. It has been the HARDEST part of the entire process. They don’t tell you how much you’ll regret every word, question yourself and wonder what the hell is wrong with your sensibilities.

Finding an agent is the devil, especially for western writers. Aka. Yours fucking truly.

Writing your first submission is more daunting than finding out you have the clap, im assuming as i’ve never had it but i presume its not all fun and candy. It makes you feel vulnerable and uneasy. I partly worry about my work being stolen because its happened a couple of times before and then went on to be published, with me losing out. I felt depleted and heart broken.

picking up your manuscript sucks. You dont want to look at it, think about it or even acknowledge you created the filth in the pages. Apparently this is very common, but holy terror and erebus, this is awful. I’ve been trying to read through and i can only manage a little more than a chapter at a time. All that work and now i want nothing to do with it. My mind keeps trying to get me to abort this operation and start a new story, but what good is a new story with the first on a burner.

i finished my book!

Ok, so it’s not totally print-worthy finished. Nevertheless every chapter has been written, every note and comment and character well rounded and a part of the ride of its life, of my little novel. I can’t quite believe that I made it here, to this mountain I’m standing on and wondering whether to turn back whilst I still can or keep on keeping on to the top of the summit like a spider to the fly.
Whether this book makes it, with me in tow, isn’t the point. It’s that I reached this high completely myself by my own head and hands. If I died tomorrow – this is one of the true few things I can be proud of. It was something I didn’t plan. I never sat down and thought, “hey I think I’ll ruin my damn mind and sit down and write a book.” Never came to me. I knew I wanted to write but the thought of writing a book and living with yourself throughout, and working full time, was not on my cards — until it was.

For years I’ve filled notebooks with phrases, ideas and little people I thought it would be good to meet and learn a thing or two from. Those hundreds of notebooks are not in a single binding. 
The first novel of me. 
Now I’ll need to back it all up – once, twice & thrice! After that I’ll see about getting it printed somewhere so I can sit down and hold it in my hands. When I’m done staring at the title and being in awe of the actual fact that I FINISHED DAMN NOVEL. Then I’ll pour myself a tall cool glass of Dr. Pepper and start reading. As I go I’ll be making notes, see what does and doesn’t work and then make changes like it was the entire intension from the beginning.
It’s a rare feeling I have in my heart today. I could make an audience scream with laughter, I could be a good person and I could write a book. I’ve done all these things now. No idea where I’m going with that train of thought or where I’ve been, but so and so. 
 Much like myself, I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell my next step is. I haven’t a fucking clue.Right now I’ll drown myself in the euphoria of having finished the novel. Allow me that, and join me if you wish. The novel that I seem to have been unconsciously meaning to write since nowhere.

No, thats not the title of my book. Forgive me if i don’t share it with you, but its a title im very proud of and until the book is published — i’d prefer to keep it to myself. This is only the first five chapters of my story, but its better than nothing. Hopefully tomorrow i can go somewhere and print a full draft, stupid how excited that really makes me!

I have a few literary agents that I get good vibes from that happen to accept western submissions, something that is surprisingly rare nowadays – but I’m bringing this genre back from the dead. I’m hoping it won’t be too troublesome to find someone I can see myself working with long term, but they’ll have to enjoy my random nonsensical blutterings and made up words – and then also be able to deal with my company. We’ll see. Wish me luck.