things i want to do in 2020

I’m pretty late to the 2020 game. February is fast approaching with her fake hearts and candy love; yet only now am I making a post about things I’d like to do in the year of someone’s lord 2020.

– Well, first off, and I suppose it’s always at the top of my list, I’d like to get back to Texas. There are many reasons. I think mostly I want to go back because I hope it makes me feel closer to Basil somehow. Like a homecoming. That sounds a little far-fetched but that’s as good a reason as any. Also because we love Texas and know how it works. It was the first place I’d ever truly felt at home aside from Denmark when I was young and dumb. I don’t regret moving, but I’ll be ecstatic to go back again. I’m gonna eat so much damn Whataburger, the best burger place around! Not that I don’t love Wyoming because I do, but there are some issues that unfortunately can’t be fixed.

– This one I suppose is relatively obvious. I’d like to succeed on the Horseshoeing course down in Cheyenne. I think it’ll be a hard go.. packed into two weeks but I think it’s going to be some sort of game changer for me. If all goes well I’ll be applying for a longer, more in depth, course in Texas. So I’d like to start making a little piggy bank for that as soon as I’m able.

– Not to sound superficial but there are a few technology things I’d like to purchase for photography obviously, filming and so forth. I won’t bother to list them because that’s a whole other post I reckon. There’s at least 3 new lenses I’d like but as of yet I am not made of money; only bacon, Dr.Pepper and granny smith apples.

– Every year I try to read around 100 books. The last year or so I utterly failed. I’ve let a lot of things go and unfortunately reading was one of them. However, this year I’m setting a goal to read 15 books at least but hopefully I’ll get to at least 30. I’m a firm believer that you have to read in order to write, and of course I’m not the first. Lately I’d run totally dry at the well. I couldn’t write a single word, let alone stitch them together and make a picture. The very day I began reading a book – my brain went into over drive and now I can’t keep from writing what so ever. I woke up around 5am this morning and wrote down a story of notes I’d dreamt up. It sucks to wake up but damn I had a great idea!

– I’d love to publish my Novel. I’ve been working incredibly hard on it for so long and I’m ready to let it go out into the world, taking me by the hand. I’d also like to sort out my poetry and little short stories for another publishing project. That one I think is a littler simpler and can be achieved now if I tried enough. Nevertheless – it’s the novel that is my concern and my every waking thought. So that one has to come first.

– A passion of mine, though I have so little time for it, is filming. I prefer filming to taking pictures. I feel the only pictures I’m good at are self-portraits and no one wants to admit that, let’s be honest. I’m not a narcissist – I definitely don’t do it out of love for myself, because I definitely lack that. I just have this troubled relationship with myself that I find my own portraits interesting even if I don’t like them. If that makes any sense at all, but we are all our own worst critics are we not? I’d love to ultimately have my own little company and create mini-westerns on our land… That we’ll have one day. Youtube goes hand in hand with that. I’d like to use the platform more, but I’m just always lacking the time. I haven’t even really started to look at my footage from Denmark, because it’s already over whelming. Working full time is a damn nuisance when it isn’t a job you bleed for. I’d love to do a short continuous vlog but I don’t really feel I have enough to discuss or, again, the time. I don’t really know what people would find interesting about my life, I don’t see as that interesting myself.

– I’d like to get an exercise bike. I don’t plan on being some stick with a crooked neck, I’m a curvy kid with hips from here to somewhere in China. No. I want an exercise bike to have at home because the more I exercise the happier I become. My depression is not well kept secret, no point — it’s as much a part of me as a single word, but I can handle the son of a bitch a lot better when I’m working out once a day. I’ve gone for runs here in Wyoming on the not so cold days but my lungs have been plaguing me something awful, so that’s not much of an option. I will not pay $399 for a membership at the university because fuck that noise. I’d consider going to the local gym… If I didn’t know for a fact that everyone at work goes there. Where is the fun in that then? I may as well go to work and run around the building like a crazy person. I LOVE working out, but I want to do it as a stranger and preferably alone (Jack doesn’t count). I also naturally eat better when I work out because I don’t want to undo my hard work. Does that make any sense?

– Simple. I’d like to see my mum. No pussy footing around that one. I miss her terribly and I love her company. It plagued me something awful how much I wished I could hug her more when I was home, but cruelties in life have led to me being very uncomfortable being touched or showing affection to people. Jack, again, is an exception. I remember just trying to WILL myself to go and hug my mum because I’d regret if I didn’t. I do regret it now but I’m a damn mountain when I want to be.

– And finally, the sore subject. I’d like to get a dog. Saying it out loud is hard and thinking it makes me feel like some evil witch with a hook for a nose. A life without animals is a sad one. I will never be able to replace Basil, and I’d never try. It cannot be done. But I also can’t sit and wait to die just to be around him again. A new dog won’t blur him from my mind, because he is forever my baby. However, another animal I think would be great for us, and there are SO many dogs desperate for homes in Texas alone…I’d like another beagle, but I can’t do that. It’d feel too much like a betrayal. I will be setting out for a hound of some kind though however, like a Basset Hound. I’d love a Basset. I feel bad how short their legs are, and that concerns me, however if there’s one in a shelter – I want it.

And there you go.
What are some of your wishes for 2020? ♡

Tomboy in a skirt
Madame Lady-Like

a new year

I missed a’couple days on the blog. We spent a lot of time with my brother and everyday ended with all of us on the sofa watching crime programs, insisting we could’ve solved the murders in half the time and judging the suspects. Eating christmas sweets and delicious meals.
When the end of my time in Denmark rolls around i start to slow down, unsure i want to go home and whether the long travels back and forth are worth the heartache when i have to say goodbye. Its the time i feel the most uncertainty about living in America. But i fear that Denmark in the long wrong would plain bore me to death, but on the other hand — seeing family whenever i felt like it .. that’d be something i’ve never had before. Being in a place where nothing happens and nothing is trying to kill me… And eating the only food that i love. Excluding Whataburger and Mexican food… because both are life.

living room with christmas tree
lovely living room
cup of tea
danish tea in the morning, thats how a morning should begin

In the last few days we visited my sisters house and took a walk in the woods together. After plodding around the back woods we went back to her place and watched a horror film before going home to New Years Eve dinner at my parents house. I don’t really enjoy going much around the holiday season. I’d rather chill, have good food and then end the night with a movie. Im a slow going soul.

full selfie
movie time

I missed half the film we were watching because outside the window was a heavy pink beam slipping through the window panes. I looked at Jack and he smiled.
“I know. Go on.” He said as i grabbed my bag and ran into the late afternoon.
It was such a beautiful sundown, she slid behind the trees and kissed the little lake at the bottom of my sisters garden through gnarled branches. So ofcourse, i missed the climax of the film as well as the end. I took pictures and filmed with whatever battery life i had left — which wasn’t much. When i was done i just sat for a while. Just Denmark and Me. Nothing had to be said or cried about. No worries at all in my pocket. I just wanted to be alone with the sun rolling away.

selfie
that wind swept look

New years day was a really lovely day. Relaxed and quiet.  My brother bought a huge box of fireworks and for the first time i fired some as well. Fireworks kinda freak me out with the loud noises and disturbing the peace, but i really enjoyed having my brother encourage me and stand with me as i lit the fuse. Little moments slowly restore a lost faith in humanity. Jack ran around in boots and a cowboy hat Yeehawing as he lit rocket after rocket, he wore clothes too… just FYI.

new year eve table
family dinner on new years eve

I wont lie and say that i’m happy to be home. I’m not. I’m happy to be around my own things, and excited to get classes started and over with. Obviously im desperately dreading going back to work everyday, as everyone does, but partly for me its because i know if i worked a little harder and focused a little more; i could be making some money selling books on whores and poetry.
However, ultimately, i miss Denmark like hell. I always do but this time was the hardest it’s ever been to get up and leave, to say goodbye. I watched our journey in flight and as the plane icon ebbed away from Billund i felt like my heart was going to hollow in my foot forever. Waving goodbye to my parents at the airport was awful. I smiled and waved but behind the scenes, when we were all out of sight, was Jack picking me up and wiping a flood of tears away. Because leaving my mother — is the worst.

Today we’ve been catching up on post and getting shopping because all we had in the fridge was a lonely beer. On the way to walmart the familiar country tunes sang at their lungs with new meaning. So this song, that to me today now has a face, i dedicate to my Mor.

I wish you a grand new year, and i hope you make good like changes instead of bad resolutions you can’t keep.