brace yourself

Im trying to brace myself. Everyone is out of the office till the rest of the week and im absolutely taking advantage of that. Ive finished my writing exercise for the day and been looking for the 100th time for a single agent i feel positive about. Just to be a wee bit ahead 0f whatever game it is that im playing. I found three that i think i might be fantastic. Whether they’ll think the same of me is the hard part. We shall see.

Now. Ive had an obligatory office donut, i chose the one with almonds, and so for the rest of the day i will be doing this and that. Until around 2.30 when i steal away to the student center and kiss with Jack Kerouac for an hour. I would rather be home watching Secret Window of course. A weird movie to inspire someone but its my favourite film and i think of it often to get myself into the spirit of writing.

Lately ive had a few issues with HR at work which is why im so overly stressed and thinly strung, but none of that now.

how is it already sunday?

I don’t understand how it’s already Sunday. Wasn’t it Friday just two hours ago?
Though i suppose if you don’t really live for your day job , free time goes by faster than is necessary and is typically hard to come by. Due to particular circumstances my job has become incredibly busy lately — which doesn’t give me much time to work on my novel like i have been; unfortunately my mood is suffering something fierce from being stifled like that. As a creative person i have to do something artistic or meaningful everyday. It’s the whole point, and when that is taken away, even a little, i become a little bit of a nuisance. I get mad, rude and shut myself away. I would leave my job for less than that, if i didn’t thrive from the pay-check at the end of the month. I still have yet to receive a full pay-check and i’ve been working here since September/August time. How is that possible?

The good thing is that this means i have to really force myself to work on my novel at home, something that i’ve mentioned that i find pretty hard. When I’m home I’m exhausted from having to be around people all day and i just want to sit doing nothing, maybe play some bass or piano but i don’t want to bleed into my book when I’m already drained. However, thats just not how it works. If i’d worked on my book at work and at home — i’d have been finish a year ago.
And thus i’ve decided to try to focus more on my writing and my reading and in that regard i will be letting the social media disappear a little. I wont be doing anything extra. I’ll stick to writing, cooking dinner and occasionally swashbuckling with the swords in the yard when the weather is kind. On a side note I’ve started reading two books — one called the Modern cowboy and the other Below the Convergence about Antarctica expeditions.  Are you reading any books?

Although I have contacted the local theatre again. I contacted them last year about auditioning but then i ended up not being able to dedicate my evenings to them. However i contacted them again about participating in a monthly reading. They host an evening where people bring in their plays, and the actors sit about and read them for an audience — then a discussion ensures but i might sneak out the back door at that point. Something i’m commonly known for is disappearing when my job is over. I hang about to help back stage but i refuse to participate in the false pleasantries. It’s a very American thing to stand and talk to the audience outside the theatre afterwards and let them tell you who they loved you. Not that it didn’t happen in England too… people i worked with loved to hear compliments about their performance. I never needed them and i still don’t. I bleed on stage like i do in my books, so when i’m finished –  my job is done and the rest is none of my business. It would be nice to do some decent theatre in America. So far New England was a pretty terrible experience.  Crazy directors sending me emails about taking vitamin D, being unable to work with actors …  and the actors themselves having too big egos and lacking in the ability to actually….act.
Huntsville Texas was pretty damn weird too, but i hold out hope that i’ll find a place that fits me. For me acting has to be fun. No bitching or biting or back chatting each other. Life is too dang short.

Cowboy on the prarier
Sunday Vibes

Other than that — not much is happening. We’re looking into leaving and finally ended up some place back in Texas but thats a lot of work and most likely a few months off. We’re hoping to get a visit to Deadwood in before we go and seeing a few historic places when the weather clears up. We’ve toyed with the thought of moving to the US Virgin Island or the old Danish Caribbean islands like St John or St Croix, but the crime might be the damn kicker. I don’t fancy my chances in a place with gang violence. If you could move anywhere — where would you go?

I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend, and the it takes a long while for Monday to come around.

a little post and an update

The first day of work has long since passed.
And no – it wasn’t as bad as I thought thankfully. Bad experiences, however, can’t help but cause one alarm once in a while and everyone is always bricking it on the first day.

Yesterday we had our first snow and the first flash of bitter cold that won’t compare to the true cold winter has to offer us for however long we stay in Wyoming. I think I could stay but I’d always be wondering what the sea was doing without me and if I was missing out, someplace else.  I can tell that Jack is ready to be home in Texas where the sun is always hot and everything is familiar, I don’t blame him. He’s a hot blooded creature and likes hot blooded places – though I find him quite at home in Denmark too. The man flourishes on burning plains not frozen ones. Having said that he’s a good egg and there’s nothing he can’t tackle . We both enjoy it here immensely, truly,  but there comes a time when the body starts yearning to be where your grave will be planted.
Without a doubt I can definitely relate to that dreadful pining for home though. That has hit me pretty hard lately, it has its moments and its ups and downs. It comes often and then hardly at all.  Such is life sadly. And it goes on — the harshest words in history. Life goes on. Oh what a terrible thing though you’re glad it does in some way.

The best way to describe how I am feeling  – I am tired of being foreign. It’s a fucking hard job to keep up. It’s work. Even going home to Denmark I’m foreign and that is a great pain to me. A heavy weight on my shoulders that already have mountains piled high.

This week I started drivers ed, which is as dull and time consuming as it sounds but it only feels as such due to the copious amounts of free time I now don’t have. I had to cancel all my hours at the antique shop which I really enjoyed, for the whole month because there’s not enough time in the day. Feeling much like a confined animal whose being poked at from all different angles, that’s me lately and I’m ever so tired. This is the realistic life of a traveler. It’s not all hot suns, sandaled feet and perfect pictures for posting. Its bloody noses, falling on ice and the most magical experiences that you don’t always have to share with someone else.

Starting over. New jobs. New places and faces and situations that might not be what you expected. October is already a very stressful month for me. I can’t relax because I want the driving over with because its 45 minutes to the class room, it interferes with my job and my evenings but that’s adulting. 14 hour days and very few hours of sleep. Quite so. And when it’s over I’ll find another blasted thing to bother me because such is the life of me. The class itself is fine – all three hours of it. I can drive alright but it’s the other cars I have an issue with, so.. take that for what it is.

I believe in making the most of everyday though. At work there can be a lot of time where there’s nothing to do, and instead of sitting there reading the comedy of errors that is the news or wasting away of on Facebook – I find free books to read and i always do writing exercises. Every day. For those of you who don’t know… reading is 50% writing and I do it to keep up my creativeness as much as possible and keep my soul from running the fuck away. I stumbled across some wonderful sailing novels that I thoroughly enjoyed and there also happened to be two novels by Jens Peter Jacobsen, a Danish man with a talent for modernism and brimful descriptions. It was well translated, that has to be said, but Danish books (and any foreign book in general) should always be read in their mother tongue. So much is lost in translation and words are changed entirely if there IS no translation.
Having said that, if you’re reading you’re already winning.

And finally…
Christmas is coming and we’ll be spending it in Denmark with all the family. I haven’t been able to spend Christmas at home for many many years now and Denmark is the best place on earth at Christmas time. Believe me.
This Christmas, though a few are missing from the table this year and from beneath it, will be special and annoying and full of laughter and a ridiculous amount of food for a single belly to muster. Really I have had a lot of great things taken care of within only 6 weeks and everything is well, however because I’m on the loopy side of depressive all I can focus on is getting the damn driving over with, so I can have my creative hours back in my every day. I’m sure some of you can relate. If you’re creative and you’re kept from your output – you’re a god damn disaster. A bomb walking around meanly ticking at good people.

Enjoy your Friday night and find the good in your day, 24 hours at a time.

i’m not dead — just dormant.

Finally — colder weather has bloomed in New England and i’m really excited for real sweater weather start. I like summer but it gets boring really quickly. Most of my clothes are for cold weather.
The stars are so much brighter when its cold, and i look forward to getting some really pretty astro-shots.
I know I’ve been really bad at blogging recently but so much has been going on and i have to have space for real life. Even when real life is a little crappy.
Isn’t it always the lay of the land — that as soon as one part of your life goes well another part turns to stone?

Thankfully though now everything is starting to settle down. I’ve started another new job — an office job that i actually enjoy. Considering i thought i’d feel like a caged animal in an office, i think its going well. Never say never.
I left the other new job after a week because it was the epitome of terrible. Working in the food industry usually is but i’ve never experienced insanity on this scale.
Lets just say i had a plate thrown at my head, i lost 5lbs in a week and i was given no training and basically working as a chef. I applied to be dishwasher because i just wanted some extra cash in my pocket. If i wanted to work in an insane asylum i would’ve booked myself into one. I’ve never worked a job that was so awful i had to leave after a week, its a little embarassing if it wasn’t so bat shit insane. However for my mind and my pride, i had to quit. Nothing is worth mental torture. No amount of money is worth my soul.

But as i said, its settling down. I’ve got a great new job, the one i was hoping to get out of the three i applied/interviewed for. I actually got all three jobs but obviously chose the one i wanted most and thank goodness it came along or who knows what would have happened.
Other than that i’m getting a lot of use out of my new camera — i’m hoping to get some time this week to post some of the photos i’ve taken but we will see and i’ve almost completed my first long “short story”/novel.

So things are moving forward.
At long last.